Recursion by Monteil

Seeing this ad for Nostalgia perfume in my copy of the December 1962 issue of Cosmopolitan magazine made me wistful for the good old days and before I knew it I was stuck in a recursive nostalgia loop from which there was no escape.

Code Name: Gilda

I've had the phrase 'Weaponized Bio-Whore' stuck in my brain for weeks and finally photoshopped it out of my head where it can cease wreaking havoc on my gray cells. This must be what Ellis, Morrison and Moore feel like sometimes.

Hat Trick

Solving ancient mysteries isn't all that hard. When trying to answer the questions posed by ancient events and artifacts there are a few things that are important to consider outside of demonstrable facts to glean their true history when all that remains is speculation.

It has become something of a cliche that a discovery will be identified as being religious in nature. That may be true nonetheless for most things pertaining to the ancient world because religion (and the fear that comes with it) is a great method of crowd control. But busy-work building temples is a big-picture kind of thing and doesn't fill every moment of the day. So how does one puzzle out the practical uses of less expansive ancient technology and artifacts of a culture?

One way to do this is think like an ancestor. Life was hard way back when. People scratched for sustenance and if they didn't gather enough goods or trade enough services for food then they starved that evening. There were a lot of things about day to day life that just were not required for making it to the next sunrise so it was a great investment in time to do anything not absolutely goal-oriented towards survival.

So the one trait I speculate that was in wide use by ancient peoples was that of Common Sense. Our ancestors were not stupid. Far from it. They were capable of things that even the most advanced nation of today scratches their collective heads over. Often scholars can't agree how spectacular ancient engineering feats were accomplished because modern tools can not duplicate exactly the same results. Tales of machines that seem far-fetched can not be recreated using tools of the day. So how did all these wondrous inventions lost to time become reality? By using a common sense approach to any project. Many seemingly impossible things were done simply because a can-do attitude was applied.

While the assertion that "thinking outside the box" may seem simplistic that leads to the next trait to be aware of and one that is necessary for the first to work successfully. That is to understand that People Are Bastards. Need to move heavy stones from one place to another? Throw people at them until it gets done. Want to keep the village busy between crop planting? Have them dig furrows in the earth creating pictures only the "Gods" can observe from on high. Strike fear in the populace to keep them under control? Parade a bunch of exotically-armed guards around as your retinue.

Some time ago I solved the riddle of the true use of the stone rings in an Aztec courtyard. The common misconception was that opposing teams kicked a ball through a small stone ring high on a wall. This is ridiculous. You can read why here, but suffice to say that any game played in that manner would be frustrating for both players and spectators alike. Foreign visitors reported the elaborate game of skill played by the locals though this was likely exaggerated to make the conquering army seem all the more formidable against the native population. After all, it wouldn't do to have highly-skilled and technologically advanced soldiers wearing armor defeat a bunch of kids playing volleyball.

And so it is that I approach another mystery and solve it by applying Common Sense and never forgetting that People Are Bastards.

A few days ago one of the education-oriented cable channels was demonstrating the use of ancient weapons such as Greek Fire, spinning swords mounted on chariots as anti-personnel gear and the hand-held weapon with a terrifying reputation, the Flying Guillotine.

The Flying Guillotine is reportedly a martial arts device of which almost no records of it having actually existed other than some old descriptions. While many examples of ancient weapons of all kinds yet exist this most powerful, long-distance killer is strangely lost to the ages. Odd, considering that such a deadly device would most assuredly be coveted and protected and even mass-produced at some point if only because of its effectiveness over swords and other pointy objects of harm.

The Flying Guillotine is known most popularly through modern film and literature. Resembling a modern bee-keepers head gear, the Flying Guillotine is reportedly a hat-like device attached to a cord or chain. Thrown by an expert, the weapon settles over the head and the outer ring falls to the shoulders attached to and held in place by an upper plate, the two pieces connected by a mesh or bag. The lower ring contains blades which would close in a scissor effect when the cord was pulled, decapitating the victim and presumably, neatly holding the severed head in the net. According to legend, the Flying Guillotine was wielded to devastating effect by an elite posse of ninja guards. Popularly, it was supposed to have worked something like in the video below.

Though cool, that the weapon worked as effectively as the legend would have it is extremely unlikely. Modern replicas, even those made with materials that would enhance its effectiveness as a throwing weapon more often than not fail spectacularly. While ancient blades would assuredly been strong enough to sever limbs and decapitate a human it is also equally unlikely that the movement of a sharp knife in the space of few inches by yanking a cord or chain would have the desired effect of cleanly lopping off a head. It has also been theorized that since the usefulness of the Flying Guillotine as a throwing weapon is questionable it was used instead to ambush the unwary. The weapon would be dropped over the head of a victim who passed under a tree or arch. While this is more feasible it is yet not very plausible and attributes to ancient martial artists nigh-magical ninja skills that realistically did not exist and would be almost useless and impractical in a real-world situation. As the tool of an assassin the Flying Guillotine is ridiculously complex. It's use as described in legend flies against all common sense and is not very practical. Why go to all that effort when it was far easier and economical to just sneak up on someone and hack at the neck with a long blade?

So while the Flying Guillotine could have been used as a murder device by ninja sorcerers it was more likely to be used as a method of control and punishment. This goes to the aspect of Common Sense. The Flying Guillotine would have been ridiculously superfluous in a culture of swords, clubs and knives. Also, factor in that People Are Bastards and the true use of the device is readily apparent.

Presumably expensive and time-consuming to create and rare enough that making one was strictly controlled by the wealthy and powerful it is more likely that the Flying Guillotine was an artifact that promoted fear among the populace. This is not to assert it was never put to use. it is rare that a weapon is created that is never used. It is the stories and tales of its deadly accuracy by an elite squad of guards that would ensure that anyone would think twice about attacking or disrespecting the Lord of the village. Instant and horrifying fear of death from afar is a great way to ensure someone with designs on the big chair doesn't gain much support from his fellow disgruntled farmers. The thought that one could be killed at the drop of a hat from twenty feet distant before getting close enough to use a knife would make anyone think twice about rushing the palace.

As to its actual practical use it isn't difficult to imagine that the Flying Guillotine was pressed into service on occasion on some poor person as an object lesson not to mess with the boss. Placed over the head, the victim could be paraded about in public, lead by a chain attached to the device he wore. It was spectacle. Anyone observing some poor fellow staggering about wearing the thing knew he was a dead man walking.

Once a good show was put on for the public the chain could be pulled causing the sharp blades on the interior collar to sink into the neck of the victim and sever the arteries, causing death by massive blood loss. Whether or not the blades would be sufficient to decapitate a person is up to debate as the force required would be more substantial than most people could muster in a single strike. Repeatedly yanking the chain while dragging a bleeding body about the village square, while horrifying, is not as effective as claiming the head was severed in one motion by a scary dangerous super ninja. Anyone disputing the official story of how the weapon worked would probably find themselves wearing one soon enough.

So it is more than likely that the actual Flying Guillotine, if it in fact existed, would have been used most effectively as a ceremonial weapon for propaganda and as a means of the occasional public execution.

Don't Be Slutty, Girls!

Love Letters #10 (1951).

Adorable Science

Cutest baby bathing in a dinosaur footprint picture you will see all day.

National Geographic (May 1954).

New Universities Dictionary Illustrated (1922)

Pages from New Universities Dictionary Illustrated (1922). The book is all but disintegrated from age and weathering but I managed to save the artwork. No artist information can be found in the book though there seems to be a signature on the Plumage page. I can't determine if that is the artist name or the previous owner of the book.

Non-Euclidian Einstein

"Non-Euclidean geometry was no more than a mathematical curiosity until Einstein applied it to physics."

Uh-Oh. I'd bet all those pieces of Al's brain scattered all over in labs and Universities are still alive (or non-dead) and separately plotting, just waiting to be reunited in order to solve the final proof and summon giant demon dogs through sharp corners to drag us all away as sacrifices to the Old Ones.

You know, this could lead to a story better than when Albert Einstein showed up in the novel Last Son of Krypton.

Some art from The New Wonder Book of Knowledge

Another proof circa 1935 showing that stupidity was not always a virtue.


Note written on the inside front cover "From Uncle Virgil, Xmas, 1935."

The New Wonder Book of Knowledge (1935).

Related: Man's Crown of Distinction.

Man's Crown of Distinction

This frontispiece by A. H. Winkler from a 1943 version of Webster's Encyclopedic Dictionary depicts an angel bestowing a crown honoring and recognizing humanity's achievements in understanding the world around them and the greater Universe. This art from a book in my collection is a bit of evidence that stupidity wasn't always considered a virtue in America and was in fact the opposite. The pursuit of knowledge and understanding was once held as a duty, a birthright and a gift of destiny.

Darwin Re-Do

I was reading one of my favorite websites today and an entry about the stupidifying of science caught my attention. Apparently, Creationists are removing sections of the paradigm shifting work of Charles Darwin, thereby changing the overall content and prefacing it with their own brand of wingnuttery that fulfills their own agenda. Doublethinking works of art or science that are in the public domain in order to make them a part of a cherry-picked revised history is a heinous idea that is being being utilized only for their vulnerability to abuse and to fill an agenda. Several years from now when the the legitimate copies of the Darwin book are out of print or unavailable online due to a possible future non-neutrality of the internet, the wingnut versions will undoubtedly still be widely available as publishing loss-leaders supported by the wacky fringe as part of their general warrgarbhl background noise.

Then I had a thought. Mash-ups of different literary genres are making money hand over fist these days and I felt like a sucker for not jumping on board that particular lucre-train sooner. The novelty text-mixes of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies and Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters is filling the coffers of the authors quite nicely, I understand. Well, except for that of Ms. Austen, that is.

So much like the Creationists I came up with my own special house mix of science and fantasy of mankind's most famous work. Look for it on the shelves of your favorite book store just in time for the War on Christmas.

BONUS SNEAK PEEK PREVIEW EXCLUSIVE TO LTMS READERS!

Check below for the special preview excerpted from the thrilling 4th chapter of The Origin of the Species and Zombies by Charles Darwin and myself. Originally published 1859 with the revised edition copyright 2009.

Extinction Caused By Natural Selection

Furthermore, the species which are most numerous in individuals will have the best chance of producing within any given period favourable variations. We have evidence of this, in the facts given in the second chapter, showing that it is the common species which afford the greatest number of recorded varieties, or incipient species. Hence, rare species will be less quickly modified or improved within any given period, and they will consequently be beaten in the race for life by the modified descendants of the commoner species. The exception being Zombies that will, however, multiply exponentially within the current generation and exterminate in short order all other competing species within any given geographical area.

From these several considerations I think it inevitably follows, that as new species in the course of time are formed through natural selection or plague of virulent walking dead, others will become rarer and rarer, and finally extinct. Upon examination many extinct forms will be discovered to be missing their brains. The forms which stand in closest competition with those undergoing modification and improvement, will naturally suffer most, such as humanity. And we have seen in the chapter on the Struggle for Existence that it is the most closely-allied forms, varieties of the same species, and species of the same genus or of related genera, which, from having nearly the same structure, constitution, and habits, generally come into the severest competition with each other. Zombies exploit this in fascinating yet horrible ways. While they are bereft of speed and higher cognitive functions, Zombies practice an unconscious cooperative pack behavior and sheer numbers will eventually bring down even the swiftest prey.

Consequently, each new variety or species, during the progress of its formation, will generally press hardest on its nearest kindred, and tend to exterminate them through natural predation or brain eating. We see the same process of extermination amongst our domesticated productions, through the selection of improved forms by man. Many curious instances could be given showing how quickly new breeds of cattle, sheep, and other animals, and varieties of flowers, take the place of older and inferior kinds. In Yorkshire, it is historically known that the ancient black cattle were displaced by the long-horns, and that these 'were swept away by the short-horns' (I quote the words of an agricultural writer) 'as if by some murderous pestilence of ravenous, walking undead.'

And here's a puppy floating in a plane

Of course there is a Hayley Mills & Schatzi version. Duh.

Click the picture to beat the Russians!

From The World Around Us - SPACE (January 1951).